Million Days of X-Mas

More Sonnets

Rum, Sodomy & The Lash

Poets Behaving Badly

We Could Be Heroes!!

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* The Rolling Stones will play half-time at the Superbowl. Maybe they'll play "Sweet Neo-Con." The "Janet Jackson" moment? Keith croaks midfield.

* Firing Lions' coach Steve Mariucci is kind of like firing Tommy Franks for the failure of the Gulf War. It's true, if the Lions can't get UP to play on Thanksgiving Day, then when will they? But Steve's dogs can't hunt. Fire Matt Millen. Draft Reggie Bush. You've sucked since Barry Sanders left. The problems go higher. Maybe the Fords ought to sell. Maybe they ought to get an offensive line. Yes, I have opinions about the Detroit Lions. Like all of America I'm tired of watching them get their asses wiped every Thanksgiving.

* Interested in being in a 2006 calendar? Backchannel!

* I signed the Keep Manny petition, but trading him to the Mets is as good as keeping him in my book.

* Baseball players should not be allowed to wear #13. No #13 has been retired in the history of baseball. Wilt Chamberlin is the great #13 in basketball. When you're 7 foot, you can have any damned number you want. Dan Marino wore #13 for Miami (Fantastic QB, 0 Championships). But they should be forced to speak about themselves in the 3rd Person.

* The "Fall Finale" of "Prison Break" was good but not great. They probably didn't expect to be on the shelf until who-knows-when. I think "Nanny 911" rolls into their timeslot and then the unassaiably great "24" rolls 24 straight episodes out. I do like the back to back episodes Fox is unafraid to show. But come back soon, O prisoners.

* The Air Force has hand-held lasers. Set crowds to stun.

Million Days of X-Mas

John Ashbunny

Sketches Toward a Kenneth Koch comic

In Progress: "Blue Ashbunny"

I am concerned about the yellow hand. And my yellow hand. Eat some fruit, Jimmy.

Al-Jimzeera NewsBreak

* Page JIM: Which beautiful and talented poet did I spy at Target on Monday afternoon while I was stocking up on Diet Dr. Pepper and new blue jeans? Did she walk into Daffy's afterwards? My sources say she did.

* What the Hell is Up With the "Recently on My Blog" e-mails? Who created this template, Silliman? If I wanted to know what was on your blog recently, wouldn't I already know? I do technorati searches, that's all I'm interested in reading on your blog. Like how funny and sexy *I* am. If you have *those* kind of things, great, I'm there. I read blogs of people I find sexually attractive, people I want to make fun of at some later date, or people that ping me. And Jordan's blog. If you don't fit into any of those categories, sorry. The Poetic Blogging thing got really interesting for a few weeks in 2003, now it's dead as disco. If by liking what I do here you think I might be interested in what you're up to, I don't know. Are you a hot babe? Then I'm probably interested. Hot babes can add me to their lame spam lists, woo. Anybody else probably not. Sorry--that's the truth. I could simply block your e-mails, but why should I? Spamming everyone you know every time you take a crap, that probably isn't a good policy.

* Delgado's going to stand during the national anthem. So there's that. I've only been a Mets fan for a year or so, I'm glad to be aboard the bandwagon now. I will still watch every Sox game I can on this little computer. But there's being depressed when there's things to be depressed about and then just like senseless depression. The holidays give us ample things to be depressed about. But check this out: your team makes a good move in the offseason, that's a good thing. Teams don't play on weblogs, they play in front of advertisements. And Omar Minaya still wants to go after Manny claims Newsday. *Really*? Manny would put this team into the hyposphere. Turn him into the RF, the #3 hitter and what? 140 RBIs? Whoosh. They'd better win 100 games. Get Wagner first--Wagner might be the key to the NL East. And Whoop, there it is. Wagner's a Met. If Delgado is unhappy he can opt out at the end of this season and walk away from 2 more years of a backloaded contract. This isn't George Foster or Mo Vaughn, Delgado's contract isn't as killer as you think. If the Mets do suck next year, I'll be the first to turn on them--but right now I'm buying Mets bedsheets. I mean, a left-handed closer with a 100 mph fastbal? I smell October.

* Alerted to a good holiday present for the poet on your list. I've only heard of 2 poets in this beefcake calendar, but I'm all for a little male flavor. No links to sample photos yet. The boys may still be changing out of their skivies. I want a 2006 Men of Flarf List (tm) calendar.

January: Gary Sullivan doing some naked googling.
February: Mike Magee naked playing trumpet.
March: Drew Gardner naked while conducting orchestra.
April: Mitch Highfill naked but for the Yankees cap.
May: Tim Peterson burning his crutches naked.
June: Rod Smith standing in front of Washington Monument naked.
July: Ben Friedlander eating lobster naked.
August: Allen Bramhall combing his hair, not naked. Never naked. No.
September: Rodney Koeneke naked inside of a clam.
October: Chickee Chickson the naked Jack-o-Lantern.
November: Jordan Davis naked at Mets 2006 World Champion parade.
December: Kasey Mohammad in crotchless Santa suit.

Al-Jimzeera update: I've been alerted to a link. Do I smell a What the Hell is Up With Your Beefcake calendar photo? Yeah, I do. My favorite is March and I think it's October--

* If you are sending me your own author photo for What the Hell is Up With Your Author Photo you're probably not famous enough to be featured in What the Hell is Up With Your Author Photo?

* Steelers by a field goal (sorry Giants fans) tonight against undefeated Indianapolis in Monday Night Armageddon.

* HYPNOSIS FOR COMPLETE IDIOTS came in the mail today. There is no chapter, sadly, on hypnotizing people on the street into performing crazy sex acts. But maybe down the road I can do neat hypnosis tricks at parties or make you forget my hideous come-on lines with a snap of my fingers. Cute hypnofetishists are always free to backchannel.

Million Days of X-Mas

More Sonnets

John Ashbunny

Poets Behaving Badly

Al-Jimzeera Weekend Round-Up

* Tomorrow's Pack Page Headline? TOUCHY FEELY!

* What is the correct length of men's pubic hair when trimmed? I used the old 6 blade on 'em--I don't recall ever having trimmed the short/curly forest before. Because I didn't want to screw it up. Quite a bit more ruly down there. But what's the thinking? I know which way the pornstars go.

* I sucked my thumb regularly until I was in my 20s. There was a very specific routine: rubbing the lip of a pillowcase against the indent in the center of my upper lip during suckage. These are the kinds of things you want to hear, right? It was a sublime habit: in trying to recreate the experience I could not recreate the pleasure. I felt empty inside when I used to feel filled.

* I like the Mets' Delgado trade *a lot*. I was surprised to find New York Post letters from angry Mets fans. (Do *real* Mets' fans read the Post?) Being a Mets fan isn't something that happens because you're smart--pragmatically, who wouldn't be a fan of the Evil Empire? It's because you were born into it, you adopted it, you love National League ball, you live across the street of Shea or you just plain hate the Yankees. There hasn't been a Mets team with this much expectation on them since the Alomar free agent catastrophe of 2002. With Delgado batting clean-up, you gotta think the line-up will look like this:

Reyes SS
Beltran CF
Floyd LF
Delgado 1b
Wright 3b
Nady/Dias RF
Molina/Hernandez C
Matsui 2b

Even if Nady/Matsui are loose links, you're talking about some serious run n' gun there. Stay healthy and stay flexible, and the Mets and Braves can be in the mix. If they get a Billy Wagner-type closer. Aaron Heilman could be a first half Plan B (Keith Foulke could be had on the cheap: a Foulke/Matsui swap?). I like the Phillies robbing Rowlan off of the World Champion White Sox (They waive Frank Thomas only to pick up an equally diminished Jim Thome? *Mystifying.*) If the Phillies keep Wagner, they should be in the mix. We'll know tomorrow or Tuesday (The Red Sox are also in the mix. I'd rather the Sox go with the youth movement and try Hansen/Foulke to close). Omar, please call Pokey Reese--a slick glove at 2nd base would have won at least 3 of the games I watched at Shea this past summer. Or talk Fernando Vina out of retiring. What will be exposed this year is Willie Randolph. Why did he continue to call Braden Looper's number past the point of no return? Why did he ice Aaron Heilman until WFAN petitioned for his return? Willie is a Torre clone: the trouble is, the Mets haven't won anything and don't have leaders like Rivera & Jeter. Willie has to prove that he won't be outmanaged. He has to pull the trigger with confidence. And he has to show Pedro who's boss. Remember Grady Little. 7 innings, then Hernandez in the 8th and Closer in the 9th. Hot stove, eat your heart out. Delgado might not stand up for "God Bless America" (Do we really think the victims of 9/11 would want that song to be their dirge?) but he does make the Amazin's worth talking about again this offseason.

Al-Jimzeera Update: Mike Jacobs? Would he continue to hit .400 against Lefties? Will he hit a homerrun every 10 at-bats over the course of his career? No. He's a nice Shea hitter (doubles to center and left, homers to right). He also had 22 strikeouts in 100 at-bats. I guess we'll see if he goes .375 OB .710 SLG this year (in a cavernous football stadium, no less). Let us also remember the immortal Ty Wiggington's number's in his rookie/career year (in 116 at bats). Very similar to Jacobs' rookie year. What did Jacobs bat, 6th? On the watered down Florida Marlins/Future Portland Oregon Beavers he'll bat 5th or 3rd around Miguel Cabrera. He'll see good pitches. Generally in baseball we bet the guy who has 384 career homerruns is going to continue to get homerruns and guys with 10 over 100 atbats might not. Everybody loves a Benny Agbayani--he got 14 in 101 in 1999 and 15 in 119 atbats in 2000. Jacobs is nice and cheap: no one is going to intentionally walk him in the late innings and no one is going to pitch to Cliff Floyd rather than pitch to him. Let's talk in late September--if Mike Jacobs and the surprisingly resilient Florida Nobodies are up on the Amazin's, I'll buy you a footlong.

Poets Behaving Badly

From All the New State Capitals

More Sonnets

Everything is Great & No One is to Blame

We Could Be Heroes!!

Million Days of X-Mas

John Ashbunny

Some Things I Think About During Orgasms

What the Hell is Up With Your Author Photo?: Daniel Nester

I'm mostly just digging on the look: his glasses tipped slightly too far down the nose. Somewhere between "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" and "Don't Squeeze the Charmin!" But this photo, like all good author photos, leaves me longing for more. Show me your widow's peak! Show me how far down you're unzipped! Where's that funky brick wall you're vogueing in front of? Or is it one of those brick-looking backdrops? Are you wearing pants? (Please tell me you're not wearing pants). These are the things I am thinking about. Also: what Queen song is running through your head at the moment that shutter went shudder? (Why am I thinking "Radio Ga Ga?" Don't tell me...don't tell me..."Tie Your Mother Down!" Definitely! "Get your party gown / Get your pigtail down / Get your heart beatin’ baby / Got your timin’ right / Got your act all tight / It’s gotta be tonight my little / Schoolbabe!" See I was hoping for a backdrop of scenic, rustic Albany with Dan standing on a pile of dead and naked bodies with a sign that says I AM THE COOLEST THING FOR 500 MILES! I think something like that would have set the right tone. But you know author photos, they have to be superserious and kinda sellout just in case some grandma comes along and says "You know, I've been alive for 240 years and I've never bought a book of poems. And look at this handsome devil, think I'll start with him." As they keep on saying, think about Ohio. Ohio will be singularly responsible for the complete loss of all American edge. Daniel Nester--you're sexier than this. You rock the bank teller look. But you are way sexier than this.

Thanks for playing our game.

Happy Birthday

James Meetze.

John Ashbunny

More Sonnets

Million Days of X-Mas

We Could Be Heroes!!

Everything is Great & No One is To Blame

More Sonnets

We Could Be Heroes!!

Infested Waters

Thankful for

Some Things I Think About During Orgasms

More Sonnets

Title TK

We Could Be Heroes!!

Hemos Perdido

Al-Jimzeera NewsBreak

* World's Sexiest Man is *Who*? Matthew McConaughey? He's not even the sexiest guy on my block, never mind on the cover of PEOPLE magazine. You guys are way off--he did get buff for that football betting movie nobody saw, but Sexiest (tm)? Ahhhhh NO. My vote went toward Kanye at their website but Damon, Farrell, Crowe, The Rock, Gyllenhaal, either Wilson are all good answers. C'mon! Get with it!

* When I asked the man to take my photo with Stephon Marbury (on Bowery) he thought I meant the real Stephon Marbury.

* In the hope of staying statistically ahead of Kasey's Flarf Number, I mention here that I am renaming my penis (again). No longer is it to be refered to as "Starchild." Call it Flarf.

Pass the Small Pox Blanket

More Sonnets

Title TK

Horatio the Unicorn

From All the New State Capitals

Hemos Perdido

Al-Jimzeera LateNight

* To clarify: I have not sworn off public readings forever. I have sworn off them for now and probably won't give one for a while (although I had a vision at the Project tonight of writing a poem on index cards and pinning those cards to trees and then filming a walk in the woods one card at a time. Maybe with Enya overdubbed.) And I rarely "tongue-lash" cute people here. I can't think of any examples of cute people I have "tongue-lashed" here. In case you're keeping score. Being cute is the best way to avert my wrath. As a gesture the no readings / no books / no anthologies / no sending out poems stance is one in which I experiment and attempt to find out what it's like to be a poet if it's not simply an excerise in saying yes to all of those things. I mean, people have heard of me, read my poems and laugh at my jokes. And sometimes kiss me on the mouth. Who could want anything more than *that*?

* Beckett & Lowell for Hanley Ramirez and a couple of pitchers? Theo would be proud. When's the last time the Red Sox had a guy that threw 97 mph regularly? Clemens. Did Pedro ever hit that on the gun? Then howcome I don't remember it? It's the first move of a chess match that will go on this entire offseason. And so far the headless Bosox haven't skipped a beat (Jed Hoyer for GM!). Goodbye Mueller & Millar. Let's move Youkilis to first, why don't we? With Olerud. Pitchers and catchers report not a moment too soon.

* The "X" that appeared over Cheney was just a physical manifestation of his inner soullessness. The way vampires cannot be photographed or filmed. His cloaking device was malfunctioning.

* McSoreley's non-alcholic beer is called Ginger Ale! Still wiping the sawdust off. A great place to hang with Holmeszilla!

From the POETRY PROJECT NEWSLETTER