We Could Be Heroes!!

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* Whether Larry Brown and Stephon Marbury are fighting or not, Knicks Fans Know (tm) this is a Bullshit Team and Isiah Thomas is a Bullshit GM. The day I bought a Marbury jersey he ends up scoring -8 points in a game. I've decided to embrace Marbury, Terrell Owens, all punks who play games. In the way I once embraced Iverson ( His "Practice? You want to talk about *practice?*" monologue is still one of my favorites to quote, right next to Mora's "Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?" speech). Tim Duncan might be the best player in the league (although people are going kind of Billups-shitty right now. Take everyone named Wallace out of that picture and they'd be 3-24. C'mon!) it's also about in-your-face-talk-about-me-around-the-water-cooler-shit-talking.

"So Duncan's pretty good!"

"Sure is, but who do you think will get Artest?"

That poetry needs more sex symbols (especially male), more trash-talkers (especially women) and more flash and pizzaz is obvious. The tweed and tweed-wannabe crowd has ruled long enough. Take your pants off in 2006. Like you need room to grow.

* And Terrell Owens got punished for speaking The Truth. He was *right.* And he will rise again, Eagles. I would have suspended Andy Reid after that Superbowl.

* Cat-sitting on Central Park West brings a new relationship: a doorman.

* Resolution: stop holding so much back.

* It's Friday: the only one on the crush list right now is Jessica Smith.

* I've turned comments >on< for the holiday weekend as a beta. Send me best wishes for 2006 or tell me I'm a giant loser. They are moderated, so only if you are worthy or I want to make fun of you will you ever appear. Show me your underpants.

Horatio the Unicorn

My Underpants Went Global!!

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* "Match Point" like "Lost in Translation" before it loses itself in the face and curves of starlet Scarlett Johansson. Both directors, Woody Allen and Sofia Coppola seem so captivated by the very young actress that it is enough to simply light the set and zoom right in on her. All the other British actors seem dead in comparison. They are brunette furniture pieces.  "So you *do* know the effect you have on men?" she is asked early in the movie. Sure, she lights up the screen, but she hasn't had a great line since "Ghost World." Somebody please write better parts for women and especialy Scarlett. In Woody's rendition she is 3/4 sex kitten and 1/4 whiny needy clinger victim.  The thrill of a Woody Allen film typically is to see to what lengths Woody will go to put himself in a scene to make out with some young actress he has no business even speaking to. And also the jittery stuff. There are no jitters, it's all stiff upper lip and the movie is a slow sipping brandy, part maybe-noir caper part prototypical La-De-Da.  The new Beekman (basement) is a charming place that in no way evokes the original which is surrounded by blue construction lattice. Ride the Roosevelt Island Tram after the movie, though, especially if it's rainy and after midnight.

* Currently formulating resolutions. Getting more into BDSM is one of them maybe. But I am so gentle and like a lamb!

* "Purple Parallelogram" by Evan Dando, although it didn't make my Top 40 played list, is the song that makes me the most reliably happy when played and was a find in 2005. That the Oasis guy doesn't remember helping Dando write it--even better.

Al-Jimzeera NewsAlert

* Please find some time this week to buy 50 Cent's latest cd. If Mariah wins the music industry will *definitely* get the wrong idea.

Free Orhan Pamuk: Update

Turkey is Thinking of Amending Their Freedom of Speech Laws

Heeeeeeeeere's *Johnny*!

This depressed the shit out of me.

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* Finally saw the Gay Cowboy movie. I give it three 6 shooters up. The enduring message of this movie: love is horrible. I can't believe Ang Lee couldn't fit in one Incredible Hulk cameo, though. Like you see the Hulk just off to the side while the cowboys are kissing or something. If it wins 6 Academy Awards will there be *looting*?

* The "Lazy Sunday" SNL rap is available at itunes as a free video download. It remains funny even after being mentioned in the New York Times yesterday. Usually an appearance in the Grey Lady means your parents have found out about it. The cool gets let out of the balloon entirely. But what do you think the New York Times writer meant when they continuely called the rap "unthreatening?" Like, what's that code for? Whatever. Cupcakes are funny

* They made me cover up the Spongebob on my t-shirt. I'm trying to help the global empire, Manny! C'mon! Spongebob! And the host didn't dig the fake glasses. I already look sexy I just want to look smart.

* Manny and Clement get put through the washer and dryer and comes back as Miguel Tejada? Helps both my teams! We need more 4-way trades!

* How hot am I in my brand new Obey Ron black t-shirt? Caliente.

Braincase Behrle Blowout

Get a copy of (Purple) Notebook of the Lake with all those holiday Hamiltons you got. Get a bunch of other great chapbooks, too, while you're there.

all chapbooks are $6 postpaid
make checks out to Noah Eli Gordon
195 Jackson St #35
Denver, CO 80206

John Ashbunny

Rum, Sodomy & The Lash

I Feel Good, Really *Alive* You Know?

Horatio the Unicorn

Infested Waters

Dunkin Donuts Ad Actor Dies

Obit

40 Most Played Songs of 2005

40. "Welcome to Jamrock" by Damien Marley
39. "While You're Cheating on Me I'm Praying for You" by the Louvin Brothers
38. "Wordplay" by Jason Mraz
37. "Tremendous Brunettes" by Mike Doughty
36. "Hung Up" by Madonna
35. "Hard to Beat" by Hard-Fi
34. "It's Just Like Surgery" by the Warlocks
33. "Hard to Explain" by the Strokes
32. "He Set Me Free" by the Louvin Brothers
31. "Forever Young" by Youth Group
30. "The Electric Version" by the New Pornographers
29. "10:1" by Rogue Wave
28. "Upon this Tidal Wave of Young Blood" by Clap Your Hand Say Yeah
27. "Rip It Up" by Razorlight
26. "Two-Headed Boy" by Neutral Milk Hotel
25. "He Was Waiting at the Altar" by the Louvin Brothers
24. "Rosie and the Sea" by Youth Group
23. "Mary Tyler Moore Theme" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
22. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron
21. "Jesus is Whispering" by the Louvin Brothers
20. "Holland, 1945" by Neutral Milk Hotel
19. "This Little Light of Mine" by the Louvin Brothers
18. "Holiday" by Green Day
17. "Lillian Lies" by Youth Group
16. "The Comeback" by the Shout Out Louds
15. "Are You Washed in the Blood of the Lamb?" by the Louvin Brothers
14. "Deep Karma Canyon" by Bob Mould
13. "Is this Love?" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
12. "Monster Hospital" by Metric
11. "My Doorbell" by the White Stripes
10. "Shake the Dope Out" by the Warlocks
9. "America's Boy" by Broadcast
8. "Mary Susan" by Blood on the Wall
7. "Ruby" by Apples in Stereo
6. "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay
5. "L-L-Love" by Astaire
4. "We Used to be Friends" by the Dandy Warhols
3. "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley
2. "Paralyzed" by Bob Mould
1. "The Rainbow" by Apples in Stereo

Art Hurts

From the Vault: Walnuts with Katie Degentesh

From the Vault: Walnuts with Santa

From the Vault: Walnuts with Todd Colby

Saved from Poetry Snark: Matt Miller on Donald Revell

Welcoming Ginger, Snarking Donald Revell

First of all, let's all welcome Ginger Pennebaker to the main page. After much coaxing and cajoling, Ginger has finally skipped her way out of the comments section and joined Trochee and myself on the front line. (Speaking of Trochee, where the fuck have you been these last weeks? You there Trochee?) Now if we can only get Bill Blood out here, we could have a real cirque du snarke on our hands. On second thought, I'm not sure if the front page is ready for Blood. T'would certainly confuse first-time visitors...

Also, sometime around 1:00AM Thursday morning we had our 10,000th hit--not bad for a little over two months of blogging on a site that doesn't feature porn. Also, I added a new link to this utterly bizarre site I stumbled upon: www.absurd.org. I really don't know how to describe this beast. You have to see for yourself.

Onward to today's snark!

Any of our fair readers who have had the experience of listening to Donald Revell speak about poetry have surely heard his erudition on the subject of metaphor and simile: to whit, he thinks they should be avoided at all cost. Taking the hard-line from Adorno and Levinas (I suppose) he insinuates that to see the world through metaphor leads to barbarism. You've probably heard this before from some sanctimonious self-proclaimed expert on humanity, even if you haven't heard it from Mistah Revell--the idea is that when we don't see the world--and especially people--directly, we risk not seeing them at all, reducing them to the status of "other" and thus engendering the kind of situation that allowed the Holocaust. To which I say: what a load of shit. And then furthermore, quit exploiting the Holocaust to inflate your language--or to scare people into agreeing with you. Mr. Revell, you know that this is total bullshit. Or you should...

Exhibit a) you say that we shouldn't see the world obliquely through simile and metaphor, but your favorite 20th-Century American poet is ... John Ashbery? WTF! Oh yeah, Ashbery never uses metaphor... That "convex mirror," that "wave" that "flow chart"--those were things as they are (not played upon the blue guitar). When it comes to avoidance of metaphor, your boy should be Dr. Williams, but then again, even he succumbed to the urge, as in "The Yachts."

Exhibit b) your own poems--from Erasures: "my friends / become other animals / or fanatic labyrinths." We can let the "animals" part slide, but "labyrinths?" Smells like a metaphor to me. Does that mean you're now going to see your friends as objects and, consequently, soon kill them? From The Gaza of Winter: "I think that death / is a half lake and the view from there / opens under sky like a sparrow's mouth..." Here we get a metaphor that evolves into a simile... I'm starting to get confused ... when is it OK to use metaphor? When we're not talking about something important like human mortality? Oh wait, that was death you were making metaphor of ... er, uh... From Beautiful Shirt: "The sons that I might have instead of money. / Their hands are the entire sky / over the toy town, dark as only innocence, / that perfect destroyer, is dark." Well, now that the son's hands are a "sky over the toy town" instead of real hands, I can crush them with this big rock!

You get the idea. I suppose, it's really all just another example of glib misuse of half-understood theory. Here's the short version of the story: feeling impotent in a culture that ignores what they say, intellectuals use the inflated language of theory to presume profound meaning when there is none, to place enormous political consequence on things that have little-to-none (like American poetry). It makes us feel important, which I suppose we all need from time to time. But Auden got it right: poetry is that which makes nothing happen. The bad news is that the latest anthology of poems against the latest war isn't going to do a fucking thing to stop that war. The good news is that you can use metaphor and simile without worrying about it turning you into a Nazi.

Season's Greetings from Madeline

From the Vault: Walnuts with Snoopy

From the Vault: Walnuts with Todd Colby

From the Vault: Walnuts with Todd Colby

Saved from Poetry Snark: Donald Revell

Welcoming Ginger, Snarking Donald Revell

First of all, let's all welcome Ginger Pennebaker to the main page. After much coaxing and cajoling, Ginger has finally skipped her way out of the comments section and joined Trochee and myself on the front line. (Speaking of Trochee, where the fuck have you been these last weeks? You there Trochee?) Now if we can only get Bill Blood out here, we could have a real cirque du snarke on our hands. On second thought, I'm not sure if the front page is ready for Blood. T'would certainly confuse first-time visitors...

Also, sometime around 1:00AM Thursday morning we had our 10,000th hit--not bad for a little over two months of blogging on a site that doesn't feature porn. Also, I added a new link to this utterly bizarre site I stumbled upon: www.absurd.org. I really don't know how to describe this beast. You have to see for yourself.

Onward to today's snark!

Any of our fair readers who have had the experience of listening to Donald Revell speak about poetry have surely heard his erudition on the subject of metaphor and simile: to whit, he thinks they should be avoided at all cost. Taking the hard-line from Adorno and Levinas (I suppose) he insinuates that to see the world through metaphor leads to barbarism. You've probably heard this before from some sanctimonious self-proclaimed expert on humanity, even if you haven't heard it from Mistah Revell--the idea is that when we don't see the world--and especially people--directly, we risk not seeing them at all, reducing them to the status of "other" and thus engendering the kind of situation that allowed the Holocaust. To which I say: what a load of shit. And then furthermore, quit exploiting the Holocaust to inflate your language--or to scare people into agreeing with you. Mr. Revell, you know that this is total bullshit. Or you should...

Exhibit a) you say that we shouldn't see the world obliquely through simile and metaphor, but your favorite 20th-Century American poet is ... John Ashbery? WTF! Oh yeah, Ashbery never uses metaphor... That "convex mirror," that "wave" that "flow chart"--those were things as they are (not played upon the blue guitar). When it comes to avoidance of metaphor, your boy should be Dr. Williams, but then again, even he succumbed to the urge, as in "The Yachts."

Exhibit b) your own poems--from Erasures: "my friends / become other animals / or fanatic labyrinths." We can let the "animals" part slide, but "labyrinths?" Smells like a metaphor to me. Does that mean you're now going to see your friends as objects and, consequently, soon kill them? From The Gaza of Winter: "I think that death / is a half lake and the view from there / opens under sky like a sparrow's mouth..." Here we get a metaphor that evolves into a simile... I'm starting to get confused ... when is it OK to use metaphor? When we're not talking about something important like human mortality? Oh wait, that was death you were making metaphor of ... er, uh... From Beautiful Shirt: "The sons that I might have instead of money. / Their hands are the entire sky / over the toy town, dark as only innocence, / that perfect destroyer, is dark." Well, now that the son's hands are a "sky over the toy town" instead of real hands, I can crush them with this big rock!

You get the idea. I suppose, it's really all just another example of glib misuse of half-understood theory. Here's the short version of the story: feeling impotent in a culture that ignores what they say, intellectuals use the inflated language of theory to presume profound meaning when there is none, to place enormous political consequence on things that have little-to-none (like American poetry). It makes us feel important, which I suppose we all need from time to time. But Auden got it right: poetry is that which makes nothing happen. The bad news is that the latest anthology of poems against the latest war isn't going to do a fucking thing to stop that war. The good news is that you can use metaphor and simile without worrying about it turning you into a Nazi.

---

Season's Greetings from Al-Jimzeera

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* All was forgiven when I got on my N train this morning.

* What the hell is "felony attempted possession? " And is the world a better place this holiday with Brad Renfro in the slammer? Maybe. Everybody should be able to stock up on whatever will get them through the next few days--as much as they want. But the chants of "Cancel Christmas!" Now that's serving and protecting with style!

Season's Greetings from the Sexiest Poetry Blogger in the World

I Saw Mommy Fisting Santa Claus

Horatio the Unicorn

Everything is Great & Toussaint is to Blame

Rum Sodomy & The Lash

* Happy Birthday, Alyssa Timin.

* Yeah, the strike may be over!  Boo, I may have to walk home tonight *anyway*!

Horatio the Unicorn

Screaming Fields of Transit Strike

Rum, Sodomy & The Lash

Beantown Strikes Back

Johnny Damon's friendster profile has been updated. Who *knew* about his fondness for gay porn?

Yikes

"I ate Santa and took his fucking cap."

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* I'm more bummed at this point about Johnny Damon becoming a Yankee than I am about the transit strike. The walk over the Brooklyn Bridge last night was actually beautiful.  Not cold enough to be too cold.  The Red Cross was giving out hot cocoa on the Brooklyn side. And I thought "Couldn't this money be better spent in New Orleans?" Ho! Damon's departure means I might see him on the street or at the Stadium, which is cool.  But has there been a bigger Fenway flight since the Sox lost Fisk & Lynn? Theo and Johnny were lifers. Will they shave Johnny on a Visa commercial? Probably. We love you Johnny but ugh. The Sox are back to Square One / Underdog status. If the season started today it would be Trot Nixon in CF and Dustin Pedroia at ss and Kevin Youkilis at 1b. Fighting it out with Toronto for 2nd place in the East. Christmas is canceled. Get to work, co-GMs. Paging Coco Crisp. Paging Ken Griffey.

* I was hoping when "The Carver" had his identity revealed last night on "Nip/Tuck" that it would somehow turn out to be me.

* I am trying not to get too excited about who Abramoff might implicate because my high hopes for the whole Plamegate thing have been so shot.

* Raw Story is like the Disneyland of news sources. So many rides! But at the end of the day you just feel kinda sea-sick from being jerked around all day.

* I blame Peter Braunstein for the Transit Strike. Somehow he's behind this.

Screaming Fields of Johnny Damon

Christmas Makes You Weaker and Weaker

From the Vault: The Jim Side

starring former Red Sox CF Johnny Damon

From the Vaults: Walnuts

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

*Bruce Lee was constantly being confronted on the sets of his movies and the streets of Hong Kong because tough guys wanted to take him out and become the next Bruce Lee. I am the Bruce Lee of poetry blogs, people. Anonymous, nose-dripping losers think they can make an anonymous name for themselves by pestering me at Ron's and other places. Why Silliman endures them I don't know. But Bruce Lee is Bruce Lee and I'm Bruce Lee and you will know me by the trail of beat-up sad-sack losers. Keep it up. I got my nunchuku and my shuriken.

* Transit Strike stories aren't as good as Blackout stories. "I was stuck for 45 fuckin' minutes on Bergen St." Zzzzz.

Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* I've debated posting this. And, at the risk of being seen as (too much of) an ass-kissing loser, I'd like to take a moment out of poking fun at the lousy things poets do and give credit to those who don't take themselves too seriously. Ron's been very gracious to all my pirate attacks over the years. This letter came in response to sending this painting. Salute their graciousness by shopping for Ronwear (4 items sold!) and now Ashbunny goodies. The gift for people that have everything--including Bollingens.

* My jam? The SNL Chris Parnell/Andy Sandberg "Chronic-(what)-cles of Narnia" rap from Saturday's show. But my TV kicked out during Jack Black's King Kong song. You can see the video at the NBC.com site (although it ain't working for me...goddamed Transit Strike!). Sandberg is quickly becoming my favorite cast member besides Tina Fey. Who is my dream goddess. Cover me in Cool Whip and hit me with her. Ahem.

* Can I just say, although I've never watched a whole episode of "The West Wing" (netflix?) John Spencer was a terrific character actor. I loved him on "LA Law" and I thought he was tremendous in "Presumed Innocent."

Everything is Great & No One is to Blame

Rum, Sodomy & The Lash

Horatio the Unicorn

Santa Bangs Elves

*Win* Tickets to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah New Year's Eve in NYC

Best haiku wins two tickets. Good luck!

Santa is a Tool of the Man

Screaming Fields of Jimmy B.

Horatio the Unicorn

Infested Waters

Soulsucking Soduku

"I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! (Am I?)"

The physical newspaper used a different photo. Enjoy!

Horatio the Unicorn

Soulcrushing Sudoku

Al-Jimzeera NewsUpdate

* The reviews are in the Sunday New York Post Meet Market column! And the handcuffs are on! Thanks for all your votes, everybody...

* Happy birthday to my mom, Maureen Thorson and Julie Dill!

Rum, Sodomy & The Lash