Al-Jimzeera Talking Points

* We're showing countries Iran's nuclear weapons manufacturing on computer. Like they're really gonna believe *us* *now* *or* *ever* *again* *dumbasses*. You're kidding, right?

* New comics here here here if you wanna skip all this nonsense here.

* It's possible people haven't been paying too close attention to my blog or my general personality: that's cool. But just in case a few things are unclear...I'm gonna pretty much do whatever the fuck I want here. Stop on by anytime and welcome. I frankly don't give a shit who it upsets and why. I think that falls squarely into the realm of *your problem*. No matter how many fingerwagging e-mails you send me, I'm still gonna do whatever the hell I want to do. Your e-mails will just make me suspicious of you and probably get you a role as a shark or a bug. If you weren't one already. The safest e-mails to send me are the ones that say, "That new photo of you on your blog looks so hot. You are so hot." I got one like that today. That was cool. That dude will probably not be a shark for a few days.

* I'm also not against the goals of the foetry.com site--they are right-the-fuck-on when it comes to awards being on the up & up and giving shit to people who fuck around with other people's money and trust to publish their friends. That sucks and if I believe people are up to no good award-wise, I will devour them. Anyone. I don't care if you're my mother (hi Mom). If my mom fucks around and jives some poetry award, I will devour her. Even moreso because she's my mom, someone I care about and like, who is fucking around. Jobbing the system. Hanging with Bim. Whatever you want to call it. The foetry boards have been an extremely irresponsible place in the past. If you read stuff there you should confirm it for yourself before you go devouring people. I also think awards are complete bullshit. That anyone who needs to win an award to feel good about their book or their poetry is shallow and pathetic. Anyone who thinks they're worthy of judging such a contest shouldn't be judging any contest. And that poets should feel incredibly conflicted about the state of networking, sucking-up and glad-handing each other that goes on to get publications and exposure. I hope I'm making myself clear. You are *not* my friend if you are a careerist sycophant. Anyone who's not in it to create great poems and live and breathe and die penniless in great poems of yours and everyones, then you suck and I will destroy you. And if you shiver and get heart palpitations when simple questions are asked of you, that is also *your problem*. Poets shouldn't spend any money trying to get awards: if they do it's buyer beware and defend yourself at all times. Publishers shouldn't ask for money to judge people's manuscripts. They should charge $10 to read any manuscript and award publication as they see fit. And anyone asked to judge a contest should say "no." It's a ridiculous assignment and poets should stay out of deciding what presses they are not attached to publish. Put your own money where your mouth is, go to Kinko's and make something nice and then sell it yourself. Remember: you want me on this wall, you need me on this wall.

* Saturday Night Live was eh. But I love the Weekend Update Girl on Girl Re-enactment.

* I salute Bim Ramke in this regard: he admitted that the Georgia Prizes were a slush fund for him to like publish whatever. That took bravery. It also should cause some kind of insane chain reaction of like class action lawsuits, but whatever. I really dig honesty and I like the truth a lot, especially now that I haven't had a drink in almost 3 years. Try to blow one by me: I was a street hockey goalie. They called me "The Worm." I have no patience for bullshit of any kind from anyone and I will to my last dying breath rage against it.

* Let me know if the sidebar goes down to the bottom of the blog on your browser, that would be fun.

* Old People are Confused About Health Care in The New York Times. What the hell aren't old people confused about? It's their jobs. To be confused. And to get the dirty kids out of their yards.

* Sometimes the guys on the foetry boards do act like dicks, but once you get to know them they are so cuddly.

* Do the fake glasses make me look smarter? Or more fuckable? They give me a little headcahe that makes me even more irritable sometimes. Can you imagine? More irritable? Nah.

* Casting call: to go to the Academy of American Poetry Chancellor's Reading Thursday. Need guest stars.

* Can I take back all the mean things I said about Pete Carroll when he was the coach of the Patriots, again? Because as USC coach he's the man.

* My NFL haiku sucked again this year. But this week how's about I take Arizona, Jacksonville, Houston, Buffalo, N.Y. Giants, New England, San Francisco, Washington, Oakland, N.Y. Jets, Green Bay, Seattle, Pittsburgh, and Philadelphia Monday Night. No Terrell, no problem.

* I'll have you know I've defended a lot of people at those foetry boards and if those people are doing anything hinky I will lead the pitchfork and torch parade to their doors myself.

* File Under White Republicans: an actual line from a Fox News online story about the 50 Cent movie: "If you add in a possible $9 million more for tonight and tomorrow, it will have $24 million under its diamond-crusted bling-bling belt." Ugh. Is anyone hosting a Walmart moveon.org movie in Brooklyn? I mean, anybody cute?